SHE'S A SINGLE "MURDER"!

Dazzle Elementary's end of the year party was a highly anticipated day. Every kid looked forward to the fun filled day, parents inclusive. It was an opportunity for the kids to indulge in "everything sweet" and an avenue for parents to network in addition to unwinding. The day finally arrived and everyone looked dashing. 7 year old Tracey sat next to her 'besto' Omo. These little cutie-heads were inseparable. Every one called them sisters and as a matter of fact, their parents couldn't wait to be acquainted. Tracey's parents were the first to arrive. After staying at the event for a couple of hours with no sign of Omo's parents, they decided to leave, completely disappointed they didn't meet Omo's parents.
"Omo sweety, are you sure your parents will still be coming? The party's almost over" Tracey's mother asked.
"My mummy will come, she always comes, even though she comes late,"
"What of your dad? Isn't he coming?"
"My daddy? I live with my mummy, only me and my mummy"
Tracey's mother paused, she was taken aback by Omo's remarks.
"So it's just you and your mum in the house?"
"Yes just me and my mummy, she's my best friend, she and Tracey"
The expression on Tracey's mother's face changed instantly,she kept a straight face and pulled her daughter aside whispering in her ears "stay away from Omo, she's from a broken home, you have different upbringings, I don't want her to influence you, her mother is a "single mother".
However, what Tracey's mother didn't know was that Omo heard everything she said, her words weren't exactly whispers.
So did Tracey cut off from her best friend? Yes she did, she stayed far far away!


We could say Tracey was a mere child, obviously naive and wouldn't know right from wrong, but the truth is even adults are often seen doing the same thing. In our society, single mothers are often discriminated against.

Single mothers are single because of circumstance, but should it matter what the circumstances are? Here are some the reasons why some mothers are single;
1. Death, she lost her husband
2. Divorce/Separation/Desertion
3. She had a kid out of wedlock, intentionally or unintentionally.

In our society, a woman who loses her husband is the only one most likely going to be exempted from this stereotype. However, the truth is that majority of single mothers have in fact gone through a divorce or a long term relationship breakdown but people don't bother to hear their stories, they simply make derogatory statements about them. Single mothers are often tagged as "promiscuous" "immoral" "selfish" "narcissist" and what have you. Morality permits no waiver for those with special circumstances. I mean some women were actually abandoned by their husbands, e.g the typical case of a husband/father travelling overseas for greener pastures but never returning or one who just absconds. But in our society, It is morally wrong to be a single mother. Even in the 21st century, the shame and social isolation still exists, especially in Africa.

Now to the crux of the matter, " children raised by single mothers". It has been stated that children in single-parent families, to be sure, face obstacles to developing important moral qualities. Ethical development is rooted in emotional development, and children in single-parent families may suffer more persistently from those feelings; shame, distrust, cynicism- that commonly eat away at children's capacities for caring, responsibility, idealism, and other important moral qualities. Is this really true? Are children raised by single mothers missing out on important moral qualities?
Children raised by single mothers are often stigmatized, discredited and victimized. A friend of mine met a wonderful guy a while ago, or so she thought. She was certain he was "the one" but the moment homeboy found out she was raised by a single mother, you know what he said?, " I can't marry a girl from a broken home" or was it the time my cousin who has an amazing voice by the way, was rejected by the church choir, the pastor said "HA! what example would she lay? Someone please shoot me!. They didn't care if these ladies were well-cultured and well-educated , they just couldn't deal with the stigma. I have observed that society subconsciously expects children raised by single mothers to exhibit certain behavioral patterns. The child would most likely be rude, uncultured, promiscuous(in the case of a girl child), and immoral?. It is said that a single parent cannot instill the core values a child needs, there is always a missing link when a child is brought up singlehandedly. Research over the years shows that children in single-parent homes generally fare worse than those homes with two parents. It is also said that family structure does contribute to certain characteristics of a child's wellbeing therefore, children who are from single parent homes tend to have problems with depression, emotional stress and difficulties in school compared to children from two parent homes. Studies show that drop-outs, and criminals were most likely brought up by a single parent. Isn't it astounding? Is this really the case with children brought up by single mothers?

But the reality is that there are children in single-parent homes that are not morally defective. Some of them grow up to be wonderful people. What behavioral patterns do you expect from children whose parents are very much together( not separated or divorced) but have miserable marriages? Aren't these children equally exposed to the so-called dangers, children from single-parents homes face? I mean these children have both parents living together but all they are exposed to is, violence, hate, mood swings, and anger. Children in these shoes most likely won't get models of fairness, respect and compassion.

People who know single mothers can relate with some of the problems they face in our society on a daily basis, from their place of work, to housing, to relationships and even religion. Some companies would not employ single mothers, just as how some churches would not allow a single mother sing in the church choir. Some landlords don't want single mothers as tenants and some men would never date single mothers. "She is a single murder", they say, I ask , "Is it a crime?" "who did she kill?" All I see is someone who went through hell to give life!

PLEASE DON'T PULL THE TRIGGER!

Sola and Derin met at Kenny's book reading. Sola was Kenny's best buddy while Derin had tagged along for the event with a friend. Reapplying her lipgloss severally, Derin knew Sola was going to hit on her, he gaped at her like a mysterious painting from Thailand. A few hours later, Sola summoned up some courage and approached her. Luckily, they hit it off immediately and she agreed to dine with him at an Italian restaurant the following day.  As soon as Derin got to the parking lot at the restaurant, a cute little kid approached her with flowers and a note which read " I love your smile" and she gave a wider smile. When she got into the restaurant, there wasn't a single soul. She became frightened, different thoughts running through her head. 
"Hey beautiful!" Someone whispered from behind. 
"Oh my God! You scared me"  she gushed, placing her hands on her chest.
"I'm sorry, didn't mean to" Sola said coyly.
" Where's  everyone, the staff, the guests?"
" Oh them?...... Well........ I made them go for a short break cause I wanted to cook for you myself"
" Awww, you cook? She said, her face flushed bright pink.
From that moment,Derin was hooked! Sola was too good to be true.
9 years and two kids later, Derin had the perfect life. She had the latest rides, clothes, shoes and jewelry and was the envy of all her friends. What they didn't know was that she was suffering and smiling. The very sweet and romantic Sola was now a raging monster. He beat her on a daily basis making her deaf in one ear and as if that wasn't enough, he left her with dislocated hands and legs.
One night,Derin looked in the mirror, she didn't recognize who she saw. She hated who she had become and certainly couldn't take it anymore. She made her way to her kids room, staring at them sadly, she didn't want them witnessing all that violence anymore, in fact her eight year old daughter had vowed  never to get married. She picked up a gun, one Sola had threatened to use on her severally. She headed to their bedroom, and stared at him angrily. Snoring loudly,  Sola was fast asleep. She stood next to him, memories of the series of bashings running through her head. She took a deep pained breath and tapped him, pointing the pistol at him. 
"Oh my God!  he flinched,  lifting his hands in the air.
"Sola, this is for all the pain you have caused me, I want my freedom!" she cried.
"Please don't pull the trigger! He begged.

Should she pull the trigger in return for all the years of physical pain, emotional trauma, miscarriages, harsh words, insults, abandonment, and cheating, that would most likely leave her scared for life or should she just walk away? Sometimes, it gets this bad, some women want to end it all!

Sola and Derin's  deadly relationship isn't news, it happens everyday, all over the world. It is called domestic violence. Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse could be physical, sexual, emotional,economical  or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. These includes behaviours that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound someone. Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race( whether Kim kardashian or Genevieve Nnaji) age( Mama rainbow or mo'cheddah) sexual orientation( Ellen DeGeneres or Paris Hilton), gender( man or woman). It can happen to couples who are married, living together or dating.

I'm sure this is probably the hundredth time you are hearing this topic and you probably want to close this page, but please read on. Domestic violence is very rampant in our society and it seems to be getting worse by the day. In fact, it's now a trend society is slowly accepting. I mean, a girl tells people her man beat her, and they say "you'll manage o, marriage is not easy!". I'm positive we all know people going through domestic violence, either  acquaintances, friends and family. Some people have no idea because the victims never spill but you need to be attentive. You can't see a strange mark on Tara's face, she tells you "I fell off the....... (whatever she cooks up at that moment) and you fall for it.  My people that  bruise on Ijeoma's hand wasn't the burner, It was Chukudis's  Gucci belt. That cut on Feyi's forehead wasn't the door, it was Tunde's fist and finally Zainab's dislocated hand wasn't caused by the trainer at the gym, it was Alhaji! Let's  try to be more attentive.

Although there are different types of violence, physical abuse is the most popular, may be because it often results to death but we must know that even psychological abuse is equally deadly. Some "battered women" who can't comprehend the physical abuse, especially the secretive ones, feel unloved, develop low self esteem and end up feeling depressed. It is this depression that often leads to their death. They end up committing suicide. 

In our society, just a few women have been courageous enough to walk out of violent relationships, majority of them stay giving  different reasons to justify their actions. Some women stay because they took those "vows" and for them, it is really "till death do us part" and often times, death will put them apart because one day, bros will vex and kill sister! Some stay because of the children the relationship produced, some stay for financial support, some stay because they think so low of themselves, they cannot imagine living in this world without their abuser( the abuser has successfully messed with their heads), some stay because of what people would say (no one wants to feel like their marriage was unsuccessful)and of course some stay because Pastor preaches against divorce, moreover the bible also preaches against divorce. Some women have even vowed to die married, than live single! Their marital status has more value than their lives.

The effects of domestic violence vary. Some women become bitter and frustrated and snap at everyone around them, some become very vulnerable and weak, they eventually become depressed and commit suicide, while some seek revenge and kill their abusers like Derin attempted. Either way the end result is pretty ugly.


So I ask and  please I want your honest opinion, if you knew someone going through physical abuse, married or unmarried, I mean, you've even gone as far as witnessing it, what would you do? When is it time for her to flee? please drop a line.................

FOR WOMEN WHO HUSTLE!

I don't know what comes to your mind when you see the post title, but whatever it is, feel free to interpret as u wish......... Women are wonderful, beautiful creatures. Oh! I can't imagine the world without women  not just because I'm a woman but in real sense, take some time to think about what women go through in our male dominated society.Anyone who still believes women are "inactive and weak", must be a frequent customer at "African shrine"(if you know what I mean!)

I look around me and I see women hustling everyday trying to make a living. Is it the street sweeper banging that lifeless broom on the unpaved roads, the cleaner at the office wiping off the bread crumbs from the desk,the roadside food seller(iya Basira) shuttling between washing the dishes and serving her hungry customers gbanga soup!, the recharge card seller bustling through the streets with colorful cards a million and one other people are also selling, hoping she'll do be the one, the hawker in your hood screaming "breadi agege"  the bank worker(marketing department) hastening to meet her target, the lawyer, the doctor, the queen of the night and of course the Runs girl. These are some of the ways the woman of today hustles. Kudos to the women who hustle!

Now to my focal point, "The Runs Girl".  Runs girl is a Nigerian slogan, often used to describe a  girl that dates older men who can offer her money or gifts in return for companionship or sexual favours. Other terms used to describe runs girls are "aristo babe", "hustler", "gbogbo bix girls", "ashanna", " shallams", "opeke", "highway girls" etc. There are Runs girls everywhere in the world, the only difference is their standing, there are those who date only filthy rich men, while some would date just anyone that would provide their basic needs. As a friend of mine would say "there are runs girls and there are RUNS GIRLS".

However, it is no news that the activity of a runs babe is highly frowned upon in our society. Why? Is it because most of the men these girls date are married men which according to the bible is a sin(fornication/adultery)?. Is it because often times, they end up breaking homes, convincing the men to make them their wives( naturally or diabolically) or is it because it is morally wrong, and nemesis will catch up with them when they eventually get married? Are those some of the reasons why it is unacceptable?

I'm sure you all know girls who fall into this category and most times you wonder why a young, vibrant girl would resolve  to dating older married men, perhaps you feel there are young promising single men she ought to be dating and even if she was a gold digger, there are readymade young men, fresh off the oven ready to spend either daddy's money or money they have hustled for over the years on her. But I ask you, have you bothered to ask her why she has made this her own form of hustle. Could there be reasons to justify her actions?

Some girls have opted to have  "sugar daddies" because for them, there is really no one out there to provide for them financially,yes, if you didn't  know, some people are completely broke. Perhaps she's an orphan or even the bread winner of her family leaving her with no choice than to "use what she has to get what she wants". Some times, these girls have to look for a way to make ends meet for papa, mama, brother, sister and so on. I met a young beautiful lady a few years ago and I was shocked to find out that she paid the rent in the house her family lived, she was also responsible for her siblings tuition fees, but she was just a student, sad but true. How did she do that? Abracadabra! She used her well rounded curves to entice weak old men, and in return they gave her cash, owo, ego, kudi!

However, one thing that baffles some people is why girls from comfortable, well to do backgrounds still engage in this activity? Is it just mere greed?or the pressure to blend with the trend? The need to be able to afford those "extras" daddy is not going to pay for? e.g the latest mobile phone(blackberry Porsche) or Funmi hair(human hair extension), probably a Range Rover Evoque? Could there be reasons to justify their actions?

Whatever the case may be, there are women who have resorted to doing this on a daily basis, some have lost their lives in the process, some have been made wives in the process, while some have been saved in the process. A dear friend of mine once said " At the end of the day, when you have money, who cares about how you made the money?" What are your thoughts on women who hustle this way? Please drop a line.................

Accepting Homosexuality?

Firstly, I want to use this opportunity to say that everything I write on this blog is my personal opinion. I appreciate and admire your views and would love to hear from you. I'm learning everyday.

Okay so my last post was on marriage, and I know it seems very random that this topic is completely different from the last but I have my reasons for this current post and would definitely reveal it to you very soon.....

Homosexuality is  an issue most people refer to as controversial. Some people cringe at the mention of the word "HOMO" "GAY" or "LESBIAN". Some people don't even want to talk about it but the truth of the matter is that it exists, it's critical and it's real. There are different approaches to this topic. The moral/religious approach, the scientific approach and of course the cultural approach. Scientifically, it appears that sexual orientation is biological by nature, determined by a complex interplay of genetic and hormonal factors and early uterine environment. Scientists therefore believe that a person's sexual orientation is "not a choice", people don't chose to be gay, it all started from their mother's womb!

Religious wise, Christians condemn homosexual activity outrightly, in fact it is seen as a sin. Passages from the Old Testament have been interpreted to argue that homosexuals should be punished with death. Islam also disapproves homosexual activity. Some people can go all day quoting different passages from the bible and Quran that speak against homosexual activity. Moreover, homosexuality is often described as morally wrong.

Culturally, Ha! Let's not even go there, we all know that it is frowned upon a great deal, especially in Africa. Some people still can't wrap their minds around why and how people of the same sex can be attracted to each other. As a good friend of mine would say " how can a man be attracted to another man?" But at the end of the day, she is not in their shoes and obviously can't understand how they feel. In Nigeria, lesbians, gay, bisexual and transgender persons face legal challenges. Homosexuality is illegal in Nigeria and is punishable by death by stoning according to the Shari'a law, and by up to 14 years Imprisonment.

Now to the Koko! I' m sure everyone knows a homosexual, either from a distance or very close; that is, friend or family. It is indeed no news that homosexuals are seen as different and some people have been disowned by family members because of this sexual orientation. Some people are ashamed of their homosexual sibling, child, cousin and so on. Many people believe they are abnormal and wouldn't come close to them, almost like they have a diseases. The western culture has accepted homosexuality to an extent but Africans still remain status quo. Homosexuality is still a taboo in our society and many gay people are still scared of coming out of the closet, although there are rumors of gay churches, clubs and what have you in Nigeria.

At the end of the day, what do we have in our society? We have homosexuals pretending to be heterosexuals, getting married the way society demands(man and woman) hurting themselves and their innocent spouse, who by the way, has to deal with the trauma of realizing that their spouse is actually not attracted to them in the slightest bit. Can you imagine how traumatic that could be? Yes, these things are happening in our society today! At times, i see some guys, i can sense they are gay, but because of fear of being rejected by members of the society, they find a girl/boy, fake interest just to tie the knot in order to please mummy and daddy and the society. So I ask, do you think letting homosexuals express themselves would prevent situations like this?

Homosexuals are everywhere in our society today. In most cases  we know they are, although there are times we are ignorant or just chose to be ignorant. Homosexuals are your friends, sister, brother, cousin, aunt, uncle etc. Are you accepting homosexuality today, if not, why? Please drop a line..........

IS MARRIAGE OVERRATED?

Every little girl looks forward to the day she  will be joined with her prince charming in front  of friends, family and even foes. In fact, society has imbided a culture where girls are told that  they will not  be fulfilled in life if they didn't get married. You know what's worse? There's an age limit!!!!! Yes, society has set a time frame within which a girl must be married.

So you've completed your tertiary education, probably done your NYSC( in the case of Nigerians) and gotten a job. Naturally according to tradition, the next step is to get hitched, Right? Maybe you're in your early 20's , maybe your late 20's or even early  30's, ultimately, you feel  the need to get married. Your parents have started asking "those questions", all your friends are getting married, and it seems like you're the only single person on the surface of the earth. Is getting married your latest mission? Be honest........

I'll be writing this post  based on my experience in Nigeria having lived here for the most part of my life. A day doesn't go by without the issue of marriage being raised. Everyone is talking about marriage, either for it, or against it, bottom line is that it's often the topic of discussion particularly amongst women, both married and single. Common phrases include "Oh my God!,She just got engaged!" , "Wow! She's getting married," "Why are you still single?" "and of course, the most frequently asked and dreaded question, (rolling drums..........) , "WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED?" I've watched friends, family and colleagues stay in unhealthy relationships in order to blend with the trend  of getting married.

When you're in your early 20's, you  are referred to as "fresh blood". You are at the top of your game, trying to get all the male attention. There is so much pressure to look your best which equates to buying expensive human hair either ( Brazilian, Malaysian, or even Hungarian hair). You do everything to get male attention, which includes attending all the weddings  in town(whether you know the couple or not, popularly known as "mo gbo mo branch". Yes, this has happened to the best of us.

Then BOOM! like a speedball, you hit your late twenties! Everyone starts to whisper about your single status, at your place of work, at home, on the street, and even at your place of worship, Yes, i said it, THE CHURCH.  They say things like " Do you know she is still single"' "I  wonder why she hasn't still found a man" , " Can you believe she's still single, yet she is feeling picky"  and " No wonder she is still single". At this point, you get really desperate, lower your standards, and start begging friends and families to set you up with a decent man.

Then, you hit the BIG "30". You feel hopeless. All the good men have been taken, according to society, so you pitch your tent with someone else's husband or you tolerate the loser who doesn't deserve you. You become a sorry case amongst friends and families. You hide at home, not confident enough to crash every wedding in town like you used to. Friends and family carry your burden by setting you up on blind dates without your  consent. Aunties are inviting you to one crusade or another, where the man of God will be releasing the special anointing for marital breakthrough.  Some of you who can't manage the situation, jump at the next available offer, without getting to know the person proposing, a whirlwind romance which often leads to danger.

So I ask, what are your thoughts on marriage? Is marriage overrated? Please drop a line...........